Those Phrases from A Dad That Saved Us as a First-Time Father

"I believe I was just trying to survive for the first year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her main carer in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct statement "You aren't in a good place. You need support. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His story is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to discussing the stress on mothers and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties fathers go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a broader reluctance to open up amongst men, who continue to absorb harmful notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It's not a display of failure to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a respite - spending a couple of days abroad, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "terrible choices" when younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are under pressure, tell a friend, your other half or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the things that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their stories, the difficult parts, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - taking care of your own well-being is the best way you can look after your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead offer the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they faced their issues, transformed how they communicate, and learned to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I believe my role is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."